Why are we always stuck with the same old Olympic games?
There are so many great games from childhood that'd be fun to see
pushed to the absolute limit of human capability.
🐸 Leapfrog
Real frogs would be jealous. Actually, no they wouldn't. This
sounds painful. You'd end up with some pretty strong calves though,
assuming they don't break at some point. It'd also help if everyone
had long legs and short bodies — like Abraham Lincoln, only
shorter.
🔴 Twister
This would have a lot of tall, flexible people. It'd almost be a
strange spin-off of sumu wrestling. Also it would probably never
end, since everybody would know how to master every combination of
dot positions, though there are probably 300 or more.
🦆 Duck Duck Goose
There'd be lots of stealthy players good at jumping up and lunging.
Also everyone would all have shaved heads to heighten their
sensitivity to cut down on some milliseconds if they get goosed.
Everybody would have large glute muscles so they could sit down
faster. You'd hear the announcer saying something like, "Oh!
Switzerland is halfway through their second walk cycle and still no
goose! A risky move."
💺 Musical Chairs
When I first heard about the show Game of Thrones I thought it
would be something like this. The most aggressive hip swayers in the
world would gather. They'd have folks throwing the chairs up into
the air and backflipping into them while upside down. What songs
would they use? Maybe the hosting country would get to decide, or
maybe everyone would be forced to listen to Mary Had a Little
Lamb.
🎂 Patty Cake
This one might seem dumb compared to the others but give it a
chance. Every rule of the patty cake song would be carefully
disected and taken advantage of. Every competitor will have changed
their name to something with a J, just so they can mark their cake a
millisecond faster.
🐹 Giant Hamster Ball Races
I'm not entirely sure how much these cost in real life, or honestly
really if it's a part of anyone's childhood (other than living
through hamsters). Anyway, this one is mostly inspired by Wayne
Coyne of the Flaming Lips. He's not racing anybody though. He's not
getting INTENSE with it. The players would train with giant hamster
wheels and eat nothing but giant sunflower seeds.
🙈 Hide and Seek
This would be played simultaneously with all the other games. You
could watch people hide at the bottom of a pool, or maybe taped
underneath a ping pong table. They're all wearing Go Pros and hide
around the borders of whatever city is hosting. One thing though —
international hide and seek is already kind of a thing, generally
known as war.
👍 Thumb Wrestling
Hitchhikers would be very good at this, so their venture to get to
the stadium from their home country would be fun to watch. There'd
probably need to be some regulation on thumbnail trimming so that
players didn't try to de-thumb each other. Nail polish would likely
also be banned since people could find some that's exceptionally
shiny and use it to temporarily blind opponents. I'm not sure if
that would help anything though.
🏊 Marco Polo
If thumb wrestling doesn't go well for you, there's always this.
Blind people would be the best at this game, thanks to their other
perpetually enhanced senses. This would therefore make the Olympics
more inclusive. Everybody wins. Well, except people that can't hear
well, and also people that can't swim. A small amount of additional
people win.